swords to plowshares (this title signifies nothing)

Arrrrr says:
thats the problem with gift certificates
Arrrrr says:
they are a naked gift
make it rain says:
yeah they are a money amount
make it rain says:
I hate getting gift certificates
Arrrrr says:
the value behind a present is more abstract
make it rain says:
or giving them
Arrrrr says:
because regardless of how much it costs if it works it works
make it rain says:
or like, when you graduate, and someone gives you a personal check for like 20 bucks
Arrrrr says:
yea
make it rain says:
they're like go buy yourself a couple value meals and celebrate!
Arrrrr says:
haha
make it rain says:
like I'd almost like it better if they just got me a nice card
Arrrrr says:
yea
make it rain says:
because to get a piddly amount like 20 is just kinda a statement
make it rain says:
we had to give you something, but we don't know you that well, so we can't give you that much
make it rain says:
whatever, what does it really matter anyway, right?
Arrrrr says:
money is such a delicate subject
make it rain says:
people like blood sausage
Arrrrr says:
weird...
Arrrrr says:
people are dumb
make it rain says:
indeed.
make it rain says:
they are cretins.
make it rain says:
CLOSE TO HEAVEN, I"M CRUSHED IN THE GATE
make it rain says:
something about apple makes me want to puke
make it rain says:
they are so smug now
Arrrrr says:
haha
Arrrrr says:
i know what that something is
make it rain says:
their fucking apple store with their apple geeks and their 'genius bar'
Arrrrr says:
they practically say "you love us" and the worst part is its true
make it rain says:
yeah
make it rain says:
have you seen the genius bar though?
Arrrrr says:
no
make it rain says:
the whole store is like this ridiculous celebration of total geekdom, and the genius bar is the main party
make it rain says:
it's a counter, with this neat blue genius bar logo over it, and when you come in with a tech problem, say an ipod that is being a bitch, they usher you over to this counter saying, come over to the genius bar and we'll troubleshoot there
make it rain says:
and then some pimply faced teenager with a tag that reads Resident Genius: Ted on it attempts to solve your probloem
Arrrrr says:
lol
make it rain says:
I'm sorry, but since when was being computer savvy on a macintosh something that classified you as a genius
Arrrrr says:
haha itd be funny if they wouldnt help you until you addressed them as genius
Arrrrr says:
its all about making your employess feel better about what they are
Arrrrr says:
apple has their geniuses
make it rain says:
I mean isn't the whole damn point that apples are so much simpler and more user friendly than PCs
Arrrrr says:
home depot has their certified house hardware technicians...
make it rain says:
so why would you have to be a genius to troubleshoot them?
Arrrrr says:
also knows as, plumbing isle guy
make it rain says:
yeah that's a whole other gripe...
make it rain says:
fucking home depot.
Arrrrr says:
hehe
make it rain says:
now that I'm a construction worker, I'm obliged to look down on the 'specialists' of home depot as weekend warriors.
make it rain says:
home depot is usually pretty decent though, I guess
Arrrrr says:
im not a construction worker and i look down on them
Arrrrr says:
not for what they are
make it rain says:
they don't rub me the wrong way like the apple store does.
Arrrrr says:
but for their made up names
Arrrrr says:
wtf is wrong with being a salesman, or floor guy
Arrrrr says:
its their fucking job
Arrrrr says:
its like company encouraged shame
make it rain says:
theres something about the apple store where it's llike a hot car model, they don't have to care because this shit sells it self, and aren't we so proud of this cool shit, and let's price it to the moon, because, HEY THIS SHIT SELLS IT SELF
Arrrrr says:
haha
Arrrrr says:
and you hate them because its true
make it rain says:
heh I bet on their timesheets thei're still refered to as floorstaff
Arrrrr says:
its all about that really smart kid who knows hes smart and flaunts it
Arrrrr says:
you could hate them less if there was something fundamentally untrue
make it rain says:
'no sir, I'm not floorstaff per se, I mean I work in carpeting, which technically goes ont he floor, but I'm a carpeting and floor covering home renovation specialist, with a minor in flossing'
Arrrrr says:
hehe
make it rain says:
except that's just it, there is something fundamentally untrue
Arrrrr says:
well technically there isnt though, not with apple anyway
make it rain says:
those total geekazoids are caressing g4s at home instead of girlfriends.
Arrrrr says:
well thats untrue
make it rain says:
and I realize I shouldnt' talk at this point in time
Arrrrr says:
but they dont even care about that
make it rain says:
are you so sure
Arrrrr says:
what im saying is that, their product is just that solid
make it rain says:
they all have big geek chips on their shoulders, and they probably all hate popular kids and kids with backwards baseball caps
make it rain says:
and I do to , but for different reasons
Arrrrr says:
yea yea i agree with that
make it rain says:
just that solid, eh?
Arrrrr says:
you know it is
Arrrrr says:
just like i hate that smug bastard at the hotcake store
Arrrrr says:
he's just always selling out...
make it rain says:
I don't want a fucking mac man, so as far as I'm concerned, it's not just that solid
Arrrrr says:
ok back it up, im just really talking about the ipod here
make it rain says:
and they're so cash hungry, they used to be a like careing company or something, haha that's kinda dumb, but anyway
Arrrrr says:
i dont want to get into macs themselves
Arrrrr says:
i know dick about macs
Arrrrr says:
they were never caring
Arrrrr says:
they just had to look like it since they didnt win
make it rain says:
yeah they were all like neat and nice dudes
make it rain says:
hahaha
Arrrrr says:
it was the second place
Arrrrr says:
1st place went to microsoft
Arrrrr says:
consollation you get to be the nice loser
make it rain says:
yeah, but still they used to be really nice on customer support, and I shouldn't be saying this since they just replaced my ipod no questions asked, but they completely blew me off the first time around, and I tried them like 10 times
Arrrrr says:
microsoft had to live with being cutthroat and evil.. but them trillions of dollars are their own reward
make it rain says:
yes but even with 37 millions dollars bill gates still has to wake up and deal with the fact that he's bill gates, and that he will always be the ultra rich super dork in the eyes of the world, no matter how much money he and his father funnel into philantropy.
make it rain says:
eh getting diffuse here
Arrrrr says:
whatever you know he was going to be a dork
Arrrrr says:
it was just a choice between being a dork that noone new, or a super dork with more money than some countries
Arrrrr says:
i mean i doubt there was ever a true juncture at which he had to make such a clear choice
Arrrrr says:
but it amounts to that anyway
Arrrrr says:
that is unless of course he signed some kind of satanist pact
Arrrrr says:
in which case there was a very real defined juncture
Arrrrr says:
i dont think it would be a bad analogy to think of corporations as cats
Arrrrr says:
some are more affectionate and seem nicer, but in the end all cats are doing it for themselves
Arrrrr says:
fuckin fatcats...
make it rain says:
word
Arrrrr says:
FIGHT THE MAN

at an emotional end, but not a wit's end

Wow. Holy shit. To my right is a book on a book stand. The pages open are pages 86 and 87. they are entitled, at the top of the page, where books list their chapter titles, ‘Questions; Living a life you love.’ On the page are various bullet points in the form or questions, ‘designed’ to help you narrow your career futures. ‘Predictability’. ‘Variety’, ‘Time Management’, ‘Security’, ‘Preparation for Retirement’, ‘Portability’, ‘Degree of Continuing Challenge’. Those are the Headings on the page. Jesus. And I’m not even religious. This is from a book, which is from a program that cost about three thousand dollars in the ever-flagging American currency. And I mean, this program hasn’t even sent my bullshit detectors off, dectors who I have always egotistically assumed to be fairly competent.

I don’t even know anymore really. I’m not depressed. I was for a time before, but I’ve not been since I’ve been back. I’m restless, I’m disappointed, terribly disappointed. Misappointed. I can’t stand the endless the box stores, the endless bric-a-brac of suburban life. But I can’t stand other life either, the rigors of any other life. What is this? I drive to run an errand., buy some stuff for work, and I am hopelessly demoralized. It’s the traffic, the congestion. The endless proliferation of SUV’s. And not even so much the SUVs, but rather the state of the people driving them that the SUVs suggest. Where the fuck do I fit into this silly world? Where the fuck will I ever be comfortable? I am a gifted, and fortunate person. I was blessed with a good intelligence at birth, given a suite of unassailable opportunities by my parents. And while I have not squandered those opportunities per se, I have nonetheless, not found a place, as in mind, as in locale, in which to reside and contribute. I am a resource sucker. I give nothing back to this world, right now. I am selfish. I know this. I am also helpful and selfless. How does this compute? How do I reconcile this. Why am I not happy? I have had good times, I have had a good education, good friends, even sometimes, good girlfriends. What am I doing wrong. I have kept everything in perspective by thinking of a calvin and hobbes cartoon. Calvin is assigned a undesirable task by his father and asks why, his father responds ‘it builds character’. I have been using that as a mainstay; no matter what, this is adding to your compsite character. But I have to come to grips with this question: What if I’m not building character, but bitterness? I mean, yes, lifting stones endlessly may in once sense make you a stronger person, but if that is what you always do. Wouldn’t that also make you bitter?

I am a most fault. I let myself fall into this, I didn’t stop it either. I will probably fester in this for a while, until I either make myself become something different, or I don’t. Either way I am disappointed. I’ve seen what we have to look forward to. I went to a neighbors party tonight. It was all older people than I. They had their ugly sweaters on, and their receding hair, and they all looked uncomfortable, even though in reality they were having a good time. The only people who seemed to be having a true good time were the black women, and blacks always seem to be more alive, despite whatever fucked adversity they are forced to deal with for being black. I spilled some red wine on the carpet, ruining a conversation I was having with the host about rap music. I was alone in that party. They were older. It’s always that way now. I don’t mean to whine. My social life, at the moment, is my parents’. What a sad state of affairs. I Imagined something different, but what?

Why can’t I just accept things, why can’t I just shrink back? I told rory this one time, that once you open yourself to things greater—this was in response to a conversation about the general unhappieness of philosophers—you often find yourselves distressed with life in general. And this is not to say that I am conversing with something greater, but I guess I’ll throw my modesty to the side. Nothing satisfies my taste here; things are too gutter, too working class, or too bland middle class. People see money as the end, and we will die for it.

I can’t find women to love. I’ve loved women, seriously and terribly, but now, I am stricken alone. And I know some day, some where, something will just click. But I’m so sick of being a romantic, and such a cynic at heart for years running.

I’m sick of feeling helpless, literally sick. I hate feeling a huge number of things, but when I feel utterly helpless faced with some adversity, I honestly want to cease to exist, to become unconscious. I wish I knew some answers so that I could proceed, I wish I could believe in a God with my whole heart, or have some spirituality so that I could explain everything else away.

I’m so self indulgent, so egoist, and yet modest, and the three feed into each other to create a vicious circle. I’m a ‘good guy’ because it makes me sleep better, not because I believe a god wants it so.

No dinner, just booze all night long. Stay away from it kids, really I’m crying.