Fingers in the Factories

Watched the movie Layercake tonight. I was sorta surprised... I had though that my general reaction to it would be the same as my reaction the brit thug caper ritchie movies that so many people like; cool, flashy, good music and nice threads and gun battles but ultimately kinda corny and trite. I didn't feel that way about this movie though. It certainly wasn't earth shattering or full of great messages, but I felt it was more understated than the ritchie movies, despsite the somewhat over done music montages, as sk pointed out to me earlier. Very slick like the others, lots of garbled accent bullshit, and the plot wasn't fantastic, but it was pretty decent. I liked how, unlike the ritchie movies which feel like extended music videos for old brit music that 90 percent of the world doesn't know, the end ties up well, but not perfectly. and I the ultimate end of the movie is kinda cool. I mean it sorta makes the movie a little self conscious doesn't it? oh well I've seen plenty of more respectable movies, so I won't chat about this one any more.

Some times certain songs come on itunes, or a part of a movie happens, or fuck I don't know, something happens and brings up all these nostalgic feelings for when I was college and tiny piece of the cosmopolitan pie that I glimpsed and perhaps partook of when I lived in Toronto. I think of all the chic bars I went to, and how towards the end my friends and I had started going to more underground events, trendier and harder to find night spots (and of course more expensive, which is why I graduated with a maxxed credit card). We weren't high rollers or anything, or really super trendy people, but our weird mix had a good nose for finding good stuff, and so I found myself at an art show on Queen West getting hit on by a very hot transexxual, and watching a guy suspend himself from the rafters of the gallery on hooks through his skin, surrounded by modern art about primates. Or the various after hours clubs we found through others that made us feel special... I was introduced to the matador, and in turn my group of friends introduced a score of other people to it. I can actually say that 'I remember when that place was good' although it may have been good and bad for decades before I went there. This isn't terribly original, but we were at the Dance cave all the time, and before it blew up, and we weren't even hipsters, my friends just always got dates from there and the beer was cheap and hte music was good. When I was last there, we couldn't even get into the place at 11:30 because it was 'at capacity.' Sheesh. There were countless other things, scrambling around drunk and tired on the railroad tracks at spadina dupont at 8AM after a long night abd breakfast at the Vesta Lunch. Jesus it's weird, we even cultivated relationships with bouncers and night people... it actually paid off.

But after all of this has become memory for me--I haven't done anything in the last year that even remotly aproximates that stuff--I have to wonder if my longing for that stuff is for real, or just for an image that I think is real. I have many times throughout the last year wished I was in a more cosmo place doing more cosmo things, but I have to wonder, if it was really so damned important to me, wouldn't I be doing it somehow right now? Maybe not, I don't know, because I don't have many friends nearby here, and I certainly wouldn't have done any of that stuff in TO without my friends dragging me around... but still I try and take solace in the fact that most of that behavior was silly and empty, fun but ultimately devoid of satisfaction. I mean for every one of those steller, eye opening nights, there were three nights spent at O' Gradys playing pool and drinking lots of bad beer, or nights where we tried to do something, but nothing happened. Most of that was in first and second year, but still, it was a balance in the end. But sometimes I really worry that thats it. I'll never do crazy fun shit like that again. I mean I hold out hope for grad school wrt a fun social life, but who knows, those four years may be the only fun crazy years. The weirdest part, and it sorta dissapoints me, is that I don't have quite the taste for it. For instance last I was in Toronto, me and a bunch of friends that were all there at the same time tried to kinda relive the previous year in a weekend. We couldn't do it totally since the Dance Cave was closed and the Matador still wasn't serving and not all of us had been drinking much in the intervening year so, for instance, my tolerance sucked and I drank way too much and left the Vesta at 3AM and stumbled back to my buddies house without everyone and I guess sorta passed out in a ball on teh lawn. Because they came back and woke me up. For some reason that stuff wasn't clicking for me. But I suppose its a frequency thing and if I was doing it all the time it wouldn't faze me. That and we were all there to reunite, but the evening plans also had the effect of getting in the way of that to a degree. Oh well. All I can say is that I hope if and when I get to grad school, I'll be able to construct a social life for myself that if different from the one before, might be just as satisfying. Because truth be told, this on my own all the time shit sucks.

ok whinings done for the night.

consider joining the something awful forums, they rock

bush administration on hard times?

I am a regular reader of www.drudgereport.com. In fact, out of all of the websites that I check regularly, I would have to say that drudgereport is the second most visited site in my history, after my web mail client, as I check it at least once, if not twice, a day. I don't really like Matt Drudge, he's certainly skewed, wrt his own political views, towards the conservative side of the court. What keeps me reading his website is that he simply has an amazing eye. Every time I read the page, I get all the breaking news, period, plus odd news that you'd never find on another web outlet. He has personally broken many important news cases, including the monica lewinsky scandal that so marred clinton's otherwise mostly laudatory presidency, and all with a computer an modem. In anycase, I tend to trust the site to have breaking news, though you have to read carefully as Drudge tends to post rumors, and 'developing' stories that may never ultimately become actual stories because they do not have enouth truth to them. Nonetheless, the string of drudge headlines regarding the bush administration has been very interesting indeed in the last few days. It started with one day having the flagging interest in the iraq war, the Plame scandal, the sinking miers campaign and an article about bush's wild mood swings and his tension filled white house.

today, here are few links to new stories, mostly dealing with the same topics as above, but from different media outlets:

a whole slew of Plame investigation stories, headlines by a collage of the major players and the headline: DC Guessing Game Reaches Fever Pitch

then: 'Bush tries to Revive Support for Iraq War' dealing with the growing discontent, both public and private with the Iraq Wars origins, and current events.

then: 'NYT WEDS: GROWING NUMBER OF REPUBLICANS IN SENATE OPENLY DOUBT MIERS CHANCES FOR COURT...' which is self explanatory

this coupled with the public discontent over the handling of Katrina (although I suspect in general Bush has recovered from most of the bad effects of Katrina) and general unhappiness about gas prices and the economy points to a possible 'no good, very bad day' for the bush white house. and judging from the plethora of articles coming to light about Bush's personal reactions to negative critisicm (he gets bitter, angry, petulant, righteous, to name a few reactions catalogues in various articles, most recently in the NYPOST--I know I know, it's barely better than a tabloid, but I'm going for critical mass over actual reporting veracity here) Bush may act very badly.

I don't think very specifically about each of these issues' specific and complex impact, but when I see a greater frequency of articles essenstially forcasting a dark couple months, or perhaps years, for the bush white house, originating from a generally conservative slant website, my ears perk up. It seems entirely likely that Libby and Rove will be indicted. Delay already was, we all saw his smiling picture that seems to suggest that DeLay read Frum's plea that conservatives stop posing for pictures with frowns and arms crossed.. I completely forgot to mention the 2000th death, which in un subjective reality is just another death in iraq, but for the political reality is a to-be-feared milestone which will fuel people's anger and anxiety over the war. It also seems, now, that Miers may very well not be confirmed, and this time it won't be the democrats leading the charge. The republicans, and more specifically the conservative pundits have been haranguing this choice from the start, but now that they have had a chance to question Ms. Miers, it seems that more people are unhappy with her bland and unsatisfying answers to their questions. SO think of this... what happens when you have a president who is starting the second year of his second term with record low job approval ratings, get hit with indicitements that remove two top aides, and maybe even affect his VP, have his second golden SC choice defeated loudly by his own party (all the more damaging because Bush has time and time again personally vouched for her, refered to her as the most qualified, etc... mostly because he was totally unwilling to say anything else) and continue to loose support for a war that has essentially been the entire core of his presidency so far, outside of the greater war on terror, which has largely been eclipsed both in commitment and atteniton of the public by iraq. I don't know how it all shakes out, but Bush could become a lame duck. There are major congressional elections coming up in 06' and if major groups of constituents have lost faith in the president, we may see a shift either in party seats, or positions of the incumbent republicans. I have to say that while I find each blow to the smirking Bush vindicating, I'm not sure I really want to wish a bad Lame duck presidency on all of us americans, seeing as how we have 3 years left of this guy. But then again, if we have a really bad time for the next three years, things will change next election, which would make me happy, so I guess I'm kinda pulled both ways.

in anycase, I am eagerly awaiting the results of all of these issues, and curious as to what will happen to Bush's ability to govern or pursue his second term agenda, after his administration takes embarrasing hit after hit.

The miers nomination, which seems like the only choice Bush has ever made all on his own--his advisors advised against it strongly--has turned out to be a ridiculous bungle, laughable because of the inappropriateness of Miers for the Supreme Court. She's a nice person, blah blah blah liek they all say, but at the end of it all it is absurd to say with a straigh face that she is the most qualified person for the job. I don't want a conservative wacko, but I can recognize that alot of those conservative pundits' favorite picks are vastly more qualified for the position than Ms. Miers.

ah well. thats enough incoherent political rambling. Lets just say I await Bushie's downfall with bated breath, and I only hope that he doesn't fall so hard that he takes the rest of the country with him.

I think I might have inhaled you, I can feel you behind my eyes

it's funny how things tend to work. After all that self-pity in the last couple posts, after all my desperation in the last couple days over whether I'd find a job soon enough to make my next car payment, I get a job. Even more interesting, it's back in baltimore, so I'll be moving back to maryland, from ohio. And I might even be able to keep the residency intact, provided I do the right thin vis-a-vis tax returns. It's the ideal job for me at the moment; it's working for an architecture firm, I'll be learning autoCAD, helping with graphics, taking photos, measuring sites, doing all kinds of things really, and the pay's better than what I had last year, plus a stipend to purchase healthcare. And my employers, who I have known for quite some time, have no problem with me going to school in june. I still feel like it might all dissapear if I say to much about it or rely on it too much right now, so thats all I'm gonna say.

but I am over the hump. It took me about a year or so to get over college, to turn my focus from each day to the future, but I feel so much more focused and cohoerent now. I'm not scattered all the time like I was last year. So after all the mediocre melodrama that I post, things seem to be going well this time.

cheers.

none of it went way

it's posting goodness today at heartland expres--I mean translplant, as I didn't loose my two previous posts, they just got swallowed into the nether of teh internets for an unspecified amount of time and then they appeared! so two for the price of one, I like that sound!

Well, We Built Another World (I had a bad bad time tonight) pt. I

I've been switing the tracks of my job search once again the last couple weeks, focusing it and refining it, pointing it towards what I'd like to be doing. Problem is, I'm becoming more convinced that at this juncture, I simply won't be able to get that, what I want. But this puts me back in a bad spot. I'm going to wake up tomorrow, face the job search once again. But I'm lost again. The elation I had this last couple weeks, after that good meeting I had two weeks ago has evaporated. I don't feel collected or focused anymore, I've been focusing on something that is mostly an impossibility, and so I have to go back and redefine. I don't have much to redefine on though. Go after a construction job? I desperately do not want to work construction again, I don't have much time to offer, and I haven't developed good contacts for the industry out here. I feel like I'm waking up in a place I don't know, where I don't know any people, and I'm supposed to walk off and pull off this caper, except I don't know where, or how, or when. I keep thinking that I really should just try and get part time jobs, maybe working at a local coffee shop and video store, or the book store. They won't pay well, and that'll make it a tight fit with my stupid car and it's stupid car payments, but I feel so aimless calling up random executives, to whom I have nothing directly to offer and trying to wangle myself a middle road job at a mediocre middle road place just so I can get half a 30 grand salary and maybe health benefits.

Why did I move here again? For the chance at 8 grand? Is that 8 grand even worth this? I could have made 4 grand in the two months I've been unemployed, instead of going 2 grand more into debt, so so far this choice has cost me a net amount of 6 grand. Another month of no work and car payments, and the uncertain 8 grand will no longer be a savings, just a breaking even. I shouldn't think of it this way. The best part: if I end up working construction, and I just might, although honestly I'm not even sure who would hire me out here, it will be just like took a two month, boring ass vacation from my old job, except now I'll be new again, making equal or less money, and working on less prestigious projects in a place that is colder than baltimore in the winter. What the fuck is the gain in that? really. on the other hand, if I got a job in a coffee shop or a video store: I'd make dick all money, I'd be jittery all the time from the free coffee, I'd have to deal with annoying customers from this whitebread town, but I'd meet people that were sorta nearish my age, I'd get free coffee, free video rentals, and there wouldn't be an expectation that I'd be around too long. There would be little responsibility, and little need to agonize. It'd be boring, but construction would be boring, sitting in an office park at a computer trying to clean a virus off a coworkers computer would be boring. Maybe it wouldn't be that boring. you'd see different people all day, and you wouldn't have to wear a shirt and tie. it'd be two minutes from where you live. YOU MIGHT EVEN MEET GIRL

Well, We Built Another World (I had a bad bad time tonight) pt. II

goddamn. I just wrote this long ass post in the blog window, and by accident hit some hotkey and it tried to post it and then didn't and deleted the whole goddamned thing. I'm not even going to try and replicate the whole thing, it was mostly stream of consious. but that totally takes the steam outta me for the next half hour.

it was mostly just complaining anyway, so maybe the arbitrary computer demons that just fucked me were doing me a favor.

I still need a job, and am sorta having to redefine my search. it's going to be two months soon, with nothing but 3 grand in the hole to show for it. It's so galling to borrow money, just so you can have a bad time with it. I mean if I was borrowing it so I could booze it up at the matador or buy nice dinners or something that'd be one thing. but to use it to pay my car loan while my car sits unused in the driveway and to buy starbucks to keep me awake while I sit around and do nothing but make useless phone calls, it's sorta galling. so far, this move is not proving to have been a good idea. I'm really starting to think that I should have just stuck it out in my old shitty job and just hung all my hopes on getting into arch school. I made it through a tough winter and summer, so I coulda hacked another winter and spring of it. It would have sucked, but this sucks too, and I'm not making any money. and I'm in a place where I know no one, so whereas before I saw friends too infrequently, not I just don't see them at all. oh and another thing about before and after, my job sucked, but it kept me in shape, and now I'm just getting all loose and weak again. I feel like I am lower in the world than I was in August, and I honestly didn't think that was possible.

oops I ended up just complaining again. oh well that's what a stupid blog is for anyway.

hope things are going better for my friends than they are for me. I know they are for some, but others are doing worse, so I guess I'm in the middle again. that whole, there's always somone stupider/smarter than you adage.

this rocks

Dynamic Calories

I actually got some comments last time, one from chas, who is ever the dutiful reader, and a nice anonymos one, followed by this one:

Anonymous said...

Great Blog! Ilike it.But here you can find woman looking for sexTake a look if you have a minute. Thanks and have a good one!

8:25 PM

wow! cool! Cheating Housewives. As an english major I have to say that really the website should be called 'women looking for sex' since the site loudly proclaims the following:

Here are 120,000 cheating wives yearning for a sex affair

Fuck love, these bangin ass coochies just want sex! That is definitely enough cheating wives to justify the use of the plural, women.

things are chuggin along in ohioland, maybe I'll be employed soon, and maybe in the proper field, but since I just wrote that, I'm sure I will be forced to eat my words and work as a male stripper, which is going to be progressively harder since my grandmother's cooking plus my sedentary lifestyle is doing unthinkable things to my once-svuelte waistline (ha I kid, it was never svuelte.)

I have to say on the case of Caught in the Traps v. Im over here now (sic), I easily find for the defendant. The offending post should be removed, and if the plaintiff was intelligent, he might consider biting his tongue, cancelling his useless harangue against a nice woman who has nothing to do with him, and abandoning his silly interest in offending people. it may have had a place in high school, maybe even in parts of college, but it is not a behavior that will endear him to many as he continues to age. Hell, I know this ain't gonna happen, but if he was really smart, he might consider an apology. sorry, it was a silly inside college joke that has nothing to do with you, etc. oh well enought about that. (on a side note it does appear the post was edited to have the nasty stuff removed. what remains is just critisism of how the star organizes it's business section, and while it's not a topic that matters much to me, it doesn't have to, and isn't gross offending for the sake of offending.)

k done with the moralizing. LOLZ!!!!11

Talked to a friend who's traversing the distance between Irkutsk and Moscow by train, and WHAT A RIDE SHE's HAD! sounds like lots of 'fines' to keep the policia happy, and good scenery. maybe a samovar or two in the dining car. maybe not.

Also, The contents of Karl Rove's Garage (pronounced GAIR-AIGE)
dudes, of course he doesn't have time to organize his garage! he's busy outing CIA operatives and fighting indictments... I think if, somehow miraculously, these guys all got indictied and had to resign, they should make a reality TV show of all of them. It can just be them drinking Jim Bean and playing Poker. Rove, Cheney, DeLay, Frist, maybe throw a bush daughter in for some skin and Harriet Miers as the chiding schoolmarm... I don't know, could be good! along these lines, Leave It TO BUSH! (good indie music, weird dialogue. first and third are best,although theyu do a good cosby impersonation in the middle)

rediscovered Naughty By Nature's Hip Hop Hooray after seeing Ellen Degeneres dancing to it the other day on public access (don't ask why I was watching that. I don't know) Great song. brings back memories of being a pretend wigger kid in 4th grade, listening to the Hip Hop/R&B station and making shitty mixtapes. It does me as kinda funny that good ol gay as all get out Ellen would be dancing around to this song, full of nice lyrics like 'my names grafitti written on your kitten' 'I did your partner cuz she's hot as a baker, not cuz I hate ya' etc. etc. what does all that mean, eh?

Got halfway through Ian McEwan's Atonement until I realized that the conflict revolves around a nice guy getting improperly accused of raping a 12yo little girl ( I was going to just put LG, after reading a really scary weekend web at SA that details the goings on on a pedo board, but I can't take the chance that someone would misconstrue my usage of the term as something other than a saracastic in joke that only my brother would get, and he doesn' teven read htis thing, so what am I rambling on for anyway!), at which point I sidelined it and picked up Mailer's The Naked and The Dead, which promises much violence, foul language and good ol brotherly WWII camaraderie. mmmm much better.

My poor laptop is entering it's 'twilight years' the screen ain't as bright as it used to be, the soundcard buzzes sometimes, my version of windows keeps loosing features and I can't replace them, and of course, my favorite symptom: when it has to think hard, it eventually pops the cd-rom tray out, as if it's just metaphorically lost control of it's bladder. this was kinda funny for a while, but now it happens about ever thirty minutes, and it's getting to be a tiresome little game.

updated my website, www.titusdesigns.us, to include recent projects and new resumes.

also an article in the Baltimore Sun that describes some paintings that I had a part in uncovering, (I literally uncovered them with a circ saw and a hammer, but I can't claim it was my idea. I was just the, uhh, muscle.)

that's it for now. need to discover topics to write about instead of this lazy recounting of the mundane features of my life.

take care.